Assalamualaykum warahmatullah wabarakatuh,
Jazakum Allahukhayr (May Allah awj Reward you abundantly) for dropping by this little memorabilia of mine. A tiny sketch made up of words. A segment of my life in this world to be shared with those who are curious with my simple writings. A very simpleton indeed. Yet, my father never failed to stop by this simple writing of mine, every single day whenever he misses me. My number one stalker of IG and blogs, even there is no interesting fact of the days to share. That’s a proper fan, lol.
Alhamdulillah ala kuli hal (Thanks to Allah awj for every single thing)
In the past 3 months since I have jotted down a few sentences, many things happened, and even up till this very second, I am not able to digest everything well.
It feels like a total dream, like, floating in the air with so many things happening at once. And this little girl trying so hard to comprehend, but the heart is sealed in a fixed box, and doesn’t want to comprehend. It’s wonderful how others see her as having abundance of patience, but she knew well, she was breaking down slowly but surely. It’s hilarious how teary eyed she was before this, but now, the stream just kept falling without her realizing it. And the stream never stopped despite her better half wipe them away. A week which was one of the most repeated week when she wakes up now. And truly, she is grieving physically despite her mind says everything is going to be okay. It has been over two months now, yet, everything still remains fresh. The messages are just a scroll away. The scent of his face when they met in the airport as she kissed him on his cheek is still fresh in her mind. What more the scent which is sealed in her minds when she kissed him every day on the forehead since he was admitted in the hospital. Every single word which comes out from the doctor’s mouth is embedded in her memory. As a doctor, she felt hurt much more. At times, she question herself, why is she a doctor? Why is she a daughter? Why is she… even living… At times when the world surrounds does not make sense and people start to live themselves. At most times she felt deeply hurt and sadden sometimes for no apparent reason. An event she was looking forward to excitedly transformed into an event she dreaded to be even present. At most of the times, nothing cared more than being immersed in her own thoughts. Dividing priorities with the background of history. History of how her relationship with her father was. The many things that only he understood and comprehended excellently. The close friends he recognized since she was nine untill twenty eight. The deepest sorrows he felt just by a glance of her. The cheeky childishness hidden throughout. The silence of anger when she opt not to speak. Many things she recognised much later than him. And the biggest pains when she hurt him in a way she never noticed.
A father is everything to a child when he has given all his everything to her. That is why it hurts deeply when he goes. When all things seem to be difficult to breath in this suffocating world of pretence and puppetry. When there is no other human being that would love or sacrifice for you more that a parent would. That is when the hurting really starts to feel genuine. It’s when the father has shower the child with the best of love and care, provide with the most tender of provisions, and loved and care with sincerity since we were small. It is when he never gave up in giving despite how many times his child has disappointed him. It is when he does mistakes and realize them then he confront those mistakes and redo in a better way. It is when he look at his child with such high hopes. Not to be the most successful person on earth but just to see you smile. Because it is just your smile which matters most.
A whole book can be written to list all the love and care both my parents have given me. All four of them. But I would summarize in a post to remind me first and foremost about how much they have been a pivotal part in my tiny life.
Many times I joke with my mom. Every time she says, ” If Allah awj was to say my time is up,” and me chirping in, ” But what if Allah awj were to say my time is up earlier?” And then she looked at me speechless with a rush of thoughts in her mind. Her wrinkles on her face has shown accompanied by the aging eyebags. Every single year when I return home from abroad, I would sit and observe every line on my parents’ faces and tell them how much they have aged. But this time when I saw them in the airport. I noticed a much clearer difference in my father’s face. I just kept quiet, asking Allah awj to always Bless them and to Grant them the best of barakah in whatever they have done and are doing. And as I talked to him when we were renting the car, he seemed much more calmer than before I was married. I wondered why. Even for myself and the short course of marriage, I can sense the difference of my characters. Much more preserved and calmer. But being with parents after marriage has just been a different ambience for me. Maybe it’s just me Allah Knows Best. The ambience was a touchingly reflective one and I can never repeat them without my parents. It’s a wonderful feeling that Allah awj Grants us with, especially for someone like me whom I predict to be the most unemotional girl I’ve known. Emotions just run into you, when you’ve grown to that age you realize the true fact of, “I could do my job as a daughter better.”
The heart hurts the most when coming back from the bridge, he gripped his chest and looked at me, “Is it supposed to be this painful.” And I was lost, I don’t know what exactly it was. I highly suspected it to be a cardiac event or just a musculoskeletal pain. But most of the time, I still remained clueless. It was in minutes when the ambulance came and he was checked and confirmed with an anterolateral MI. My world suddenly dimmed in the dimmest situation I’ve never experienced. As my eyes caught the sight of him tolerating pain with the analgesics given to him. The last time I saw him conscious.
And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,
Who, when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return.”
Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided.
(Al Quran, Surah Al Baqarah)
The most devastating scene a child has to face is when the mother is crying. I can’t stand women crying. What more, if it’s your own mother crying. Since the time my father was admitted until she left her in the airport, she never could forget how her mother looked. She was the most delightful woman she has ever know when she saw her in the airport. There were many reasons to be happy, the most obvious ones are to be able to reunite with their only daughter and to attend an event which celebrate the union of two families, miles apart. Since the blessed day Allah awj unite me and my husband, I’m blessed with another mother. Once my better half told me, “Your mother is my mother and my mother is your mother.” Simple reminder but it remained etched in my memory. SubhanAllah, those old tradition of mother in law and daughter in law taboos and disputes are all long gone once Islam came. Which is 1400 years ago. There is no such thing as mother in law, as it’s just another mother, a second wonderful person who enters our life once we’re married. And never a second passed, my mother in law never missed making duaas for us, and always being concern for me like her very own daughter. Families subhanAllah, are such wonderful blessing, and truthfully a blessing we always tend to forget. May Allah awj grant our mothers the best of patience since they took care of us, may Allah awj grant them ease in every single thing they are pursuing, and may Allah awj Grant them the highest levels of paradise. I truly love my mothers. May Allah awj Bless them always.
I thought my life was basically over. Deep inside me accumulating all those strengths I perceive to possess, none existed. Slowly, I was shattering inside. Covered with the patches of strength I gather from people and remembrance of words of Allah, I felt completely lost. I got easily teared up. And nothing could change these feelings inside nor could expose them. Except in those moments when my better half would hugged me, I felt sane again. I became normal to most, I cry as much as I could. I felt a sense of guilt, as a normal human being. I felt that this world meant nothing. I felt hopeless, but very hopeful to only one thing. That one thing I ask from Allah awj to never take away from me. His Rahmah. His Mercy. His Mercy to accept everything from my father, my family, me. His Mercy to Forgive us all. His Mercy to Love us more and more. His Mercy to accept me, even though I was nothing compared to others. Every single second, my prayers encompassed on His Mercy. Every single prostration, I ask of His awj Mercy. Every single flash of thought, I ask again, of His awj endless Mercy. I asked him as I knew my heart never felt more shattering before. I would feel upset, sad, or in despair with many things, myself, other people or the ummah, but this type of feeling was the first for me. I then realized something, I really properly loved my father. I loved him so much, Allah awj Knew that very well, thus I was tested with this huge test. Perhaps, to others their father means nothing but to me, it meant the whole world. He believed in me when no one would. He loved me so much when others don’t even care. He trusted me when no one was to trust me. And he kept giving me his very best, although I gave him nothing. And the seconds I realized this, I noticed it was too late. Here is the place, the room filled with ventilators and cardiac pumps, and intravenous medicines I started to notice. And thus, it hurt more. When you knew it’s too late to realize. I looked around him as my eyes glanced through the screen, the medications he was on. Being very familiar with Intensive Care Unit settings, it was a double edged sword. I felt privileged, yet hurt more. I understood to a depth of understanding that it was hurtful to translate those knowledge to my loved ones. And in midst this gloomy thunders playing in the heart and minds, it was the other half’s hugs and smile which warmed me up. His hugs remind me, that he is always there fore me. And his smiles reminded me, that indeed this world is temporary. Although we could calculate how many days we have been married, I fell in love with my husband in a totally different way no one could imagine. It was that point when you’re in your worst state, you notice who still stays behind. And in those lowest moments of mine, Allah awj Blessed me with the calmest of love from my always better half, may Allah awj Bless him always.
Then is he who knows that what has been revealed to you from your Lord is the truth like one who is blind? They will only be reminded who are people of understanding –
Those who fulfill the covenant of Allah and do not break the contract,
And those who join that which Allah has ordered to be joined and fear their Lord and are afraid of the evil of [their] account,
And those who are patient, seeking the countenance of their Lord, and establish prayer and spend from what We have provided for them secretly and publicly and prevent evil with good – those will have the good consequence of [this] home –
Gardens of perpetual residence; they will enter them with whoever were righteous among their fathers, their spouses and their descendants. And the angels will enter upon them from every gate, [saying],
“Peace be upon you for what you patiently endured. And excellent is the final home.”
(Al Quran, Surah Ar Ra’d)
May Allah awj Grant us the best of families, and may Allah awj Gather all of us and our families in the best of gatherings. May Allah awj Grant us all the most excellent of homes in that eternal place. May Allah awj Grant us perseverance and patience, and Grant us His awj Mercy and Love to us always. May Allah awj Forgive us all.
Allah Knows Best.