Assalamualaykum wr wbt
Allah the Exalted said,
“Is one whose chest Allah has opened to Islam [sharaha Allahu sadrahu] so that he has received light from his Lord (no better than one hard-hearted)?” (Qur’an, 39:22)
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ was asked about sharh as-sadr and he said,
“It is a light cast into the heart by which the chest is opened and expanded.”
He ﷺ was asked, “Is there a way of recognizing one who possesses that light?”
He ﷺ responded, “Yes. [Such people can be recognized by their] indifference towards the abode of delusions [i.e., the life of this world], their constant turning towards the abode of eternity [the hereafter], and their preparation for death before it arrives.”
He was asked, “How does one prepare for death?”
He ﷺ said, “Those of you who remember it the most are the best prepared for it.”
“I wonder, how many people would attend my janazah prayers.”
Silence filled the air. Both of them were thinking whilst eyes filled with tears and hearts filled with this certain heaviness no one can describe. She doesn’t know exactly what it was. It was neither depression or mourning. It was a saying of, ‘See you in Jannah if Allah Wills kid. If Allah Wills.’
Death, one of her favourite topics for it soften the hardest hearts and it melts the toughest ices. She turned to ‘Izzah who was shrugging her shoulders, tears started to roll down.
Doctors are human beings too, and sometimes the weakest. True, they do see deaths daily but some deaths are just too difficult to accept. Like how insanely difficult exams are and we fail at times, that is how deaths are to them.
Sakeenah stood still looking carefully at every part of the 3 months old child. She touched gently the legs. As cold as ice. And slowly she felt for signs of life in the trunk and the head. All as cool as ice. As strong as she wanted to be for the patient’s family members, she could not. The mother with swollen eyes came to her and smiled. “It’s easy to say, your child is now in Jannah, but it’s still difficult for the heart to accept this qadr, right. I breastfed him and dear him for a good three months, and now he’s gone, Doctor… Tell me, is there such thing as a miracle, and will he be back…” Her words were interrupted with breaks of cries. As much as she wanted to reply as optimistic as she can, she just can’t.
For Allah awj Always Know the best. He Knows Exactly when is the best time for someone to live, some other to pass away. To some of us it may be absurd but it is the Best in His Eyes, so why did we try to go against that?
“I thought you were strong.”
As strong as a lion could be, she still shed tears when her cub is pounced by hyenas. As strong as she may seem, her heart shattered into million pieces when she sees mothers cry.
Half two in the morning. At the corner of the hospital, where no one could see her, as her aching body leaned on the walls. She slided down slowly ruffled heart soothed by the tapping slow rain. Her head, it could burst anytime soon. Her heart, as she clutched the front shirt with her fist, she felt the heart ache throbbing through her chest. Her breathing became deeper and it concluded in a burst of expected tears. She continued for 5 seconds, and she thought it was going to stop. The crying became deeper as her heart pounded harder. She wiped her flowing tears minds flying all over the places. How could it happen that fast.. Ya Rabb. This is one occurence in many when everytime her patient passed away. It was impossible not to have that emotional connection with her patients. As lowest in the hierarchy she has in the pyramid of those who give medical assistance to others, she bonded the best she could with her patients. Her head became lighter as more tears flow out. Sometimes, these tears are mechanisms for her to feel lighter, and to bring her to the most truthful self of hers. No masks, no pretence. No trying to be strong moments. Just her being super honest in front of her Creator awj. She tried standing up, and walked towards the ward and she saw the figure of her colleague doing some reviews on a dozing patient. She sat on the stool next to her, and observed quietly. As she observed her and the patient in front of them, tears fell again, forgetting the barriers she tried to create with public.
“Keenah, what’s wrong?” ‘Izzah’s jaws dropped seeing her colleague who she never saw crying, crying in front of her.
“Hah, this is called excessive hormonal imbalance or in other words, allergic rhinitis.” Sakeenah accompanied her tears with a few sniffs, sneezes and coughs, trying to re-enact those URTI moments in her life. She smiled and laughed forcedfully.
“Anything, I can do? You okay?” ‘Izzah started writing in the notes as she glanced on and off her colleague whose face has gone red with bilateral swelling eyes.
“You know… Just cry. That’s one top super power we have as a woman. The ability to cry without a specific reason. So, just cry, don’t build them in your chest. You’ll either explode in depression or mania if you hold it to yourself.”
Colleagues. The fantastic colleagues you have to keep pushing you despite you’re being in the weakest state. That is one thing she could sum up in her internship. And for these fantastic colleagues whom Allah awj Bless her with, she never forgets their deeds. It’s possible for her to forget their names, but deeds never subhanAllah. And seriously, may Allah awj Always Reward them with the best of the best in this world and next. It’s through those toughest times when she felt like jumping of the highest levels of buildings, these colleagues kept reminding her that the job, despite of the exhaustion, it is rewarded abundantly if we made the correct intentions. And it’s in those tiny reminders and warnings, they shoot directly in the most accurate point, and shakes some sensibilities in her. And these colleagues does not only comprises of interns like her.
She treasure the wonderful crew of nurses, who always smiled to her despite her feeling not to smile back. Being pushed and pulled in extreme directions… there are moments like that, even though you know well that patience is mostly important. You just tend to be less patient, and easily to give out on innocent ones. And the nurses who have the biggest hearts are those who forgive you easily despite you break their hearts numerous times. That is why, it’s crucial, when they ask you nicely,
“Doctor, there is something to be done for this patient.” to reply back with,
“Yes, kak, I’ll come in a second and see what is wrong, thank you, jazakillahukhayr for telling me.” not with,
“Kak, that is not my patient!”
Create wonderful bonds with them, and you’ll not only get wonderful assistance from them, but you’ll attain wonderful friends out of your doctor-ship zone. And these nurses or I usually call them older sisters (kakak) are the ones who attend your invites without any hesitation. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.
Fantastic colleagues also include the brilliant senior medical officers and specialists who never see ranks as a way to judge others. These senior medical officers and specialists whom I respect the most are always the ones who treat us interns as their colleagues too. They never see it as a chore in helping us out, or to explain any queries we have for them. It is quite transparent seeing them doing this job or a wonderful opportunity to give to the ummah – as sincerely as they can. They know that treating others respectfully is vital in ensuring that they can give their best for God’s Sake. I can’t list what all my senior colleagues have done for me, but everytime I past by them and they smile at me, acknowledging my tiny existence, I ask Allah awj to bless them with the best of blesssings always. May Allah awj Always Reward them abaundantly, and shower them with heaps of sabr and mercy.
May Allah awj protect us from cold hearts, and warm our hearts with lots of love, mercy and kindness to others.
May Allah awj widen up our hearts and fill them with forgiveness and to easily ask others for forgiveness.
May Allah awj protect us from hasad, jealousy and hatred to anything around us.
May Allah awj Grant us a sound heart until the second we meet Him and He awj is Pleased with us.
Allah Knows Best.