Assalamualaykum wr wbt,
blowing the 5 inches of dust collected on انضباطي 🙂 Actually, there were several posts drafted, but not yet posted due to lots of reasons. And currently, *as usual* the busier I get, that’s when I feel like sharing a piece of my shattered moments with dearest passers by, insh’Allah.
Logbook VS My heart
Last 4 months has truly been another 360 degrees of change in my life. About the prospects of my career, about why exactly I’m pursuing this, about why I actually open my eyes and heart to. It has been ages since the period where I would cry every night after work – it was a year ago as fresh as the memories embrace. Surely, this posting really challenges the mind more than previous postings. Working (like non-stop working except for solah and toilets) for 17 hours non stop, running from one building to another. Getting screamed (yeap, scream it is) by the higher ups more than the usual dose. And still learning a huge scoop of practical hands on within the week has been quite silently challenging. I changed since I started my career, and since the posting, I changed more. A sudden jump into the future scenes put hearts into a more serene phase. (Read : Jannah)
When colleagues were more enthusiastic in repairing episiotomies of primids, I was more interested in the tiny figures which age 4minutes in this dunya. I looked vigorously for signs of life in them. And the more they wail, the happier I become. Once, a baby cried for 2 seconds as he was delivered, then when placed on the chest of a new mother, he lied flat, not moving a muscle. As he froze, my heart dropped below my feet. As quick as ligtning, I ran to the resuscitation room, quickly warmed him, flicked his feet and placed him on oxygen supply, a gush of thoughts came running into mind. I have no idea why this baby is not moving and I’m already a year so called doctor. As helplessly as I watched the paeds housemen came running in, my heart was making lots of duaas- let the baby scream and cry all their lungs out. Just this time. Just this time. A sudden love for a 4 minute year old tiny boy made me ask myself, why did this occur. It’s an indescribable feeling which tingles in my heart, a feeling never felt before. I smile unnoticeably and I just feel happy subhanAllah. And that happens for every baby delivered. I say to them, “Assalamualaykum, welcome to dunya, and yea I know you’re crying for you miss the Jannah quickly.” Smiles and feels like hugging them, but can’t due to the head lag of a very fresh newborn.
Truly, a year plus has passed and I learnt so much. Not only the knowledge or practicality. A lot more of myself. My anger border, my worriness border. My ability to juggle with numerous tasks and my crosspoint to be bombarded by my superiors. Being someone who is involved in the medical field truly made me realize, it’s a field that you are able to choose yourself. If you get the intentions right from the start, on why did you choose this nerve and psychological wrecking career, you will not fall bitterly in the end. For every decision you make, you really depend upon no one, but yourself (of course Allah awj Utmostly). And that is when. Your heart really really cries badly for the One and Only awj. A couple of times in a day, I have to sit down to vent out my anger. I have to scurry to the washrooms to take wudhu’. I have to run out of wards to cry properly and let the whole stuffy chest inside. I say to myself, this way of life requires a huge commitment to the amanah it holds and not a second will leave me for it will be questioned by Allah awj on the Judgement day. And that makes us be more meticulous in making decisions from the writings and ideas to the commencement of treatment. You are able to work easily, take a hands free approach and not treating anyone, but if you realized the bigger fact that you’re gaining wage for the work you’ve done… You start thinking, if this wage is not attained in a halal way, then it will be the blood and muscles that flow in your body and your family. So… At the end of this complicating way I vow to my littleself that I’m only working for you ya Rabb.
Seriously. I’m a human being and I do get crazy for depressions and stresses from people surrounding me. I do get super upset and hulk-like frustrations when dealing with stubborn patients. I do have my own personal problems, be it with people surround or people out there. I do get angry with patients who are uncompliant and require repetitions on the same thing. I do miss my best study mates and to hang around with them. I miss my free time to be able to bond with people out there. I miss laughing in those gatherings which are dear to me. I do feel like at the verge of giving up because the shoulders are too small to bear these.
“Doctor. Thank you.” The 16 year old lady smiled at me as she stood up to leave me in the antenatal clinic. My heart became heavy as I looked at her.
“Who is going to take care of the child?”
I paused, looking at her, in my heart a thousand and one questions came flying by. SubhanAllah. SubhanAllah. If only I could ask these questions. If only ya Allah.
“How about the father of the child?”
“Hrm, he left, once he knew.”
Silence filled in the air again.
“And what have you done in asking forgiveness from Allah awj. For what you have done?”
She bit her lip and caressed her 38 weeks abdomen with her eyes fixed on the floor.
“I don’t know, doctor.”
A mistake you can’t rewind. And Allah awj is testing with the product of the mistake which will exist in the remaining life.
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with the child sis. Nothing. But the wrong is your act. And you have to know that very well. Do tawbah. The tawbah that is taught to us by the Prophet s.a.w. Fulfill those criteria. Never do it again. Regret about what you have done sincerely. And leave what could lead you in doing this.”
Tears started to fall on her cheeks. I patted on her shoulder.
“I am not a perfect person, I sin every day. And we all do. But the best of sinners are those who realize that they sin and they ask Allah awj for forgiveness without hesitation. We walk towards Him, He runs towards us. So, don’t despair and ask Allah Awj for anything. What I know is, Allah awj is Always with us.”
These small moments, reminds me, how tiny my own problems are.
These reminding one another, taught me that I need to be reminded consistently.
These occurences reminds me, that I still haven’t done much for the ummah. Ya Allah, Do Forgive me.
What I know, is Allah is Always with Me.
Prophet Nuh a.s. was commanded by Allah awj to build a huge ark. He a.s. did not have the knowledge that the floods will be attacking them. He did not know that most of his people could be swept by the huge waves of water. He did not know. All he knew was, Allah awj Commanded him to do it, and in that, he knew well that Allah awj Is With him a.s. That’s the only thing he knew, and that alone made him content.
Prophet Ibrahim a.s. was commanded by Allah awj to sacrifice his own beloved son, Prophet Ismail a.s. He did not know what exactly would happen the second he sacrifice his son. He had no knowledge at all that Allah awj would change the sacrifice the second he devoted to slaughter his own son. The only thing he knew was, it was Allah’s Command, and he knew very well that in everything that he was doing for Allah’s Sake, that Allah Is with him. And that alone is sufficient for him a.s. SubhanAllah.
Prophet Musa a.s. was stuck with no choice when he a.s. and his army came across the red seas when they were pursued by Pharaoh and his army. When Prophet Musa’s men started to give up, and feared that they would be overtaken by Pharaoh’s army, Prophet Musa a.s. replied, ” No! Indeed, with me is my Lord; He will guide me.”
Such profound lessons which makes the neurones keep working, hearts keep opening. And lessons to be applied in our daily life, knowing well that in every situation be it the most difficult and impossible missions of our life, that Allah awj, is always with us.
And when the two companies saw one another, the companions of Moses said, “Indeed, we are to be overtaken!”
[Moses] said, “No! Indeed, with me is my Lord; He will guide me.”
Then We inspired to Moses, “Strike with your staff the sea,” and it parted, and each portion was like a great towering mountain.
And We advanced thereto the pursuers.
And We saved Moses and those with him, all together.
Then We drowned the others.
Indeed in that is a sign, but most of them were not to be believers.
And indeed, your Lord – He is the Exalted in Might, the Merciful.
[Al Quran, Surah Ash Shuaraa : 61-68]
Preparing for new hijrah soon inshAllah, may Allah Ease. Nervousness overwhelming the heart every single day. Only Allah awj Knows Well if this is the best. Only He Knows, if this little abid is walking on the correct path. May Allah Forgive all our sins, and most importantly, may the hijrahs that we do, is all for Allah awj’s Sake, and ya Rabb, ana just want You to be Happy with what ana is doing…