All praise and thanks belongs to Allah the Most High. He is the Sustainer, the Provider, the Most Wise, the Supreme in Might, the Magnificent, and the Especially Merciful. He is the One to whom all affairs are referred. Glory be to Allah and thanks as great as the number of His creatures, the extent of his satisfaction, the weight of His throne, and the ink needed to write down His countless signs. May the blessings and peace of Allah the Most Merciful be upon the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him).
I know, it has been decades for me to scribble on this wall. Ya Allah, if there were words to describe what happened in my life recently with such new add ons and subtractions, I find none. SubhanAllah, indeed, Allah s.w.t Has Planned and Will Plan the best. Thus this little old nenek will keep writing as long as there is the available space for it.
Alhamdulillah ala kuli hal- I really mean it.
Lately, I’ve been meeting a lot of Nepalese, Bangladeshi patients in my ward and that is why the title of today’s post is in Nepali.🙂 The thing that keeps popping in my head every time I walk pass an ‘event’ in the hectic working place. There’s so much to write, so in this tiny space and time, here goes my post on : प्रेम
Currently working as a houseman in the state hospital really challenges the mind, the body and the emotions. I feel and realized that I’ve abandoned a lot. People surround, those who come and have been in mind. Those who left. Be it the closest people in my live and also the people who I meet most frequently. Especially with the changing of wards to the one ward which some works could be tedious and risky. It’s a challenge, I always say to myself while mustering courage to go to work- Be mindful of Allah, Allah azza wa jalla Will Be Mindful of you.
Then I started to value people more who asked ‘how are you’ then the question of ‘Is your life stressful?’ But there were so many patients, gazillion of attitudes. From colleagues who refuse to take care of HIV positive patients, to seniors who endlessly find our faults. And from the fionces of those patients to specialists who are unique at their own ways. One of my favourite ‘pastimes’ in the wards after finishing the routine jobs is to wander in the back are with mask and asked every of my patient if they are okay or not. Despite shouts in the heart so curious to ask, “why did you ever started taking drugs at first?” until the weakest whispers of “Nuur, you have to be sincere, you have to be sincere.” Me, as a fact dislike so much doing something insincerely because I know, truthfully, that act will be a waste if not started, accompanied and ended with ikhlas. But to stay sincere throughout the process of healing arrogant, in denial and ignorant patients is indeed a huge struggle. Daily I admit, tears are shed in car driving back home because I can feel the body cannot take it anymore. And when people close to you expect much much more from you, you start to crumble more. However, subhanAllah, Allah Never Give up on us and pour in the outstanding courage to stand and go to work the next day. With another set of new episode of life written. It’s not only about your life. Actually, there’s no space at all about your life. It’s a whole new book of other people’s lives. Those close to you, and those afar.
One day I was so want to give up, I sat covering for 20 patients with a colleague who got a needle prick injury from a HIV positive patient, I wanted to pour out everything from the heart, then another colleague sat down in front of me. “I’m tired.” she said. Tears on the verge of her eyes. “I promised my mom to send her to the diabetic clinic this morning before my PM shift, but I woke up late, and I don’t know when is the next chance I’m able to bring her again.” I stopped. SubhanAllah. Always always. Whenever I feel that the world is collapsing towards me, the weigh of these responsibilities overshadow the meek shoulders of mine, that’s when Allah Sends a reminder from others telling me, that ‘your problem is still much less.’ I stopped in silence. One of the best things I can do. Numerously I tell myself, that patience comes with Allah’s Help and it comes from the discipline of my ownself to pluck up that patience.
Why love in the middle of these stressful connotations?🙂 Why? Because it’s one of the mediums whereby you see true colours outshine. When you are busy compared to when you are free. When you are sick compared to when you are healthy. When you are old compared to when you are young and vibrant. When you are being tested compared to when you are test free. The communication between the busy doctors and patients in some way shows true self. When you are surrounded by numerous tasks happening at one go. To take bloods, to sign off MCs, to attend to new patients, to resusitate a dying patient, to attend to a regular attendee whom you are nearly bored of, to pray, to send bloods, to get investigtions in proper, to seek appropriate treatment, to learn on what doses of meds are you supposed to give, to reply on your senior doctors needs, to finish off assignment, to go to the toilet, then one colleague is on emergency leave. When all come at once. It’s a choice, firstly – you or them, secondly, which them and then how will you attend. Truely said, working as a houseman sure is not that as challenging as our senior doctors, but subhanAllah it is indeed a fight against time. I’m not complaining, but from these episodes and upgoing chapters, I discover the real meaning of love. When I send off bloods to the lab half running with an empty stomach, I start to verbally write letters to my future generations. How life was for me and what lessons should be learnt. I start to think what I want for them and how I wish I wish so much that I can at least see and be with the Prophets during that eternal rest. I ask Allah azza wa jalla to forgive all my angers and frustrations and lack of knowledge and at least at least Forgive me. I ask Allah azza wa jalla to make it easy for us all. I ask Allah azza wa jalla to make those dear to my heart understand me at least. I always ask Allah azza wa jalla, why did He swt made it easy, this path for me.. even though secretly I knew I farly deserve from even being in medical school. Then it came back to me once again. ‘Be mindful of Allah, Allah Will be Mindful of you.’ The abundance of us being mindful of Allah is like a drop of water if we dip our finger in the ocean, compared to Him azza wa jalla Being Mindful of us. And the ayah of Surah Ar Ra’d keep ringing in my ears. How I miss listening to the most beautiful recitation of comrades and the lovers of Quran. How I greatly miss those subhanAllah. And my most favourite moments of jannah gatherings in tiny smiles and cute faces of those who ‘like’ me because I look Malay.🙂 Only and indeed only, in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find peace.
So what is प्रेम?
It has been on my mind numerous times, even the book I’ve been working on has been about pyaar and haya’ – of love and life. The amatullah who is in constant search of life and love. Because for an obvious reason we don’t want to be walking without a living heart and the heart which longs for Allah’s Love right?
What defines love is something that sometimes words cannot describe, even actions per say. Because it revolves what is being hold in the heart, spoken and also produced in acts too. Thus the core of real love is only understood from the person who is loving and sometimes being loved.🙂 Complicated? Hrm, no actually,easier to explain is, love is when you leave something for the sake of Allah, or you hold on tight for the sake of Allah. You know well and clearly when to pull the strings and when to let go. You don’t need to keep it close to you to prove you love a person or something, and you might have it far beyond reach but you knows what’s best for that person for the sake of Allah, that could define love. Surely, I’m the least person to be speaking about this, but, just by observing and listening and going through 1001 episodes of lives daily made me realize one crucial thing. When you don’t love the person or a job or anything you claim to posess for the sake of Allah azza wa jalla, it’s a no-point of having them in your hands. SubhanAllah. This dunya isindeed very temporary, and subhanAllah, then it’s a realizing fact that indeed, the glad tidings are given to the ghurabaa.
And most of the times when we are enstranged in this tiny world, we tend to forget that we lack knowledge, and indeed Allah azza wa jalla Is The All Knower.
Say, ” Allah is most knowing of how long they remained. He has [knowledge of] the unseen [aspects] of the heavens and the earth. How Seeing is He and how Hearing! They have not besides Him any protector, and He shares not His legislation with anyone.”
(Al Quran, Surah Al Kahf :26)
And last but not least,🙂
There are some things you find it very difficult to let go… you just have to let it go. For not think of yourself, but those you’re holiding on, they might be shattering inside, without you even noticing it.
Keep the Ummah in Syria, Egypt, and around the world in your duaas.