Whosoever of you sees an evil, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then [let him change it] with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart — and that is the weakest of faith. – Prophet Muhammad SAW
Assalmualaykum wr wbt,
May Allah Keep antunna, those reading or accidentally bumped into this humble tiny pourout of mine- in the best of Eeman and health inshAllah.
Drama- certainly lots of them keep pouring day in and day out. Especially in this new arena of working, it touches on the deepest aspects of yourself, and without realizing it, you tend to know more of yourself. The max it could reach, physically, mentally and emotionally. Being a doctor is an easy job for those who make it easy. But its indeed one of the toughest and most challenging profession for those who choose to be as meticulous they could be. Most of the times, Sakeenah felt the most unintelligent person on earth, but that were the times which made her realize a very important fact of life. To be super, the learning process has to be much more super too. How difficult this path is, she keep asking herself, and remind herself for what foundations has she been keeping her foothold firm. And that one answer never left her without tears, for most of the times, she walked in the corridors, having such strong desires for Allah awj to Tell her, that she is doing at least ok. Sakeenah knew she was indeed a strong person. Only on rare ocassions will she break through. But there were times that even the body and the mind of hers sense the injustice happening to them, so they broke down without waiting for any signals from her made decisions. And at those lowest points, Sakeenah felt most impossible to continue- yet Allah awj Made it easy for her to keep going.
“Doctor, can you please keep my sister longer in the hospital so she can be safe here, than at her own home.”
“Doctor, tell me how long can I live more?”
“Doctor, patient is crying what should I do?”
“Doctor, can we increase the dose of this medicine?”
“Doctor, can you attend these patients now?”
“Doctor, can I go home now?”
“Doctor, there’s a meeting we have to go now.”
And the list keep going. In midst of dealing with your own emotions trying to settle in and adapting with new ambiences, new people and gazillion of attitudes, people’s expectations and people’s commands never ease them. SubhanAllah.
Sakeenah sat down on the chair, and in a second, the senior doctor came into the hallway, and looked at her. She stood up.
“How’s the patient in bed 34? Tell me what you learnt.” He asked, standing there without a blink.
Sakeenah kept silent, one of her favourite hobbies now.
“I.. don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” The doctor shook his head and stopped.
“If you were the daughter of this elderly and the doctor said that she doesn’t know, how would you react?”
Sakeenah’s mind was flying towards something else. Her own mom.
“I would like the best of my mom sir. ” She replied, plucking up the courage to look into his eyes straight.
“Then, know what you’re doing, and don’t mess around.”
Sakeenah forced a smile and nodded continously.
Mess around. She doesn’t even have the time to go to the toilet, what else to mess around?
She flipped through her book and searched for the answers. Again, her mind flew towards her dearest comrade. Which she herself is in this unsolved puzzle. She kept quiet and continued reading. And then a nurse came running towards her,
“Doctor, patient in bed 14 is in bad SOB!”
Sakeenah ran towards the front cubicle, and patient’s wheezes could be heard from the end of the bed, then a 12 year old girl across her at bed 7 was having sudden seizures.
“Start nebs on 14 and call Dr Hafiz in OC room here now!”
She ran to bed 7 and held the cold peripheries of the 12 year old girl who was fitting. She glanced at her watch, as the nurses were injecting some medications into her and as seconds passed, the girl stopped fitting and closed her eyes. The dyspnoiec patient was better too as Sakeenah auscultate her lungs, less rhonchi and patient was no longer tachypnoeic. Sakeenah walked out of the cubicle, and suddenly she felt an acute onset of palpitations. She was sweating profusely as her mind became more and more confused. She held her chest then the wards sudden to blacken, the voices of the nurses and the neighboring patients start to disappear, and in a second, she could feel the cold floor against her cheeks.
” I’m utterly disappointed with you.”
Sakeenah let out a weak smile. “Alhamdulillah.” She muttered slowly, half looking at the woman in front of her.
She knew, people did, do and will continously be disappointed with her. For everything that she does, there’s never perfection in it. And hearts of humans desire perfection, thus when they are unable to attain it, they can never be satisfied.
She smiled again. She held the hands of the woman she loved with all her life, and smiled more. The heart of hers says to let go, but the hands of hers dear those hands much more than a mother to a daughter.
“This dunya. Is not for us. Certainly, not for us. ” She smiled, and as the woman kept quiet, Sakeenah left her slowly.
What in the world should she do for others to be happy? She will never find that ultimate answer because there’s never 100% happiness in this world, this world was not created for it, thus… how can she present it to bring that 100% happiness. She took a deep breath, and said. Allah. And indeed, only Allah Knows what is in her deepest hearts.