Tomorrow?

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Short blissful moments. 

She felt the dampness of the wind passing through her cheeks as she looked forward into the thundering skies. Surely enough, as unsafe as it seems for her to be standing near the opening alleys, her unkempt heart felt the same way too. Her watch showed 3.30am but her heart lived 9 hours earlier. She smiled looking at the wind-breakered figure jogging passing her. Smiling and nodding at the same time. Jogging. In the middle of the thunder. Is he for real? She laughed herself as the soft steps of the jogging shoes passed her than paused, filled in with the tapping raindrops on the zinc roof.

“Still running well?” He smiled in midst of the drenched face of his. Safurah smiled unreluctantly. She shook her head  as she looked down on the floor.

“Why not?” Another question in reply to the first question. She shrugged her shoulders, eyes still fixed on the floor.

“Losing a bit?” She nodded slowly, still looking down as her feet tapped slowly following the taps of the rain. As she looked up slowly, her eyes followed the waving branches of the trees. Alhamdulillah. And she paused again. The words became clearer in her heart. Alhamdulillah. Another interesting day ahead as a women of 50’s was pushed on a trolley into her ward. Her feet lifted one after one another as quickly as possible. That is also known as running in a spot. And she does that to relieve the huge stress she was having on her shoulders. “Ya Allah, I need to be sincere now, please.” And again, she broke into tears. Which, is a part normal momento in her little life. 🙂

“Listen here madam, it’s 3am in the morning. You’re sick, I’m kind of tired and we have little time to cure you as best as possible. Today you are lying on the bed, tomorrow I want you to sit up and the next day I want you to go jogging! Okay? Coolios? Thus, I need you to be quick and swift answering my questions okay?” Safurah opened up her conversation in the fast train mode then winked at the old wrinkled lady who was on her nasal prong of oxygen.

“Hahaha, you come here you missy!” She pulled Safurah closed to her and slowly tapped on her shoulders.
“Naughty girl!”

Safurah laughed, pulled a chair and sat in front of the lady. She has not ate since 8am last morning and this is already 21 hours wihout food. She felt like she wanted to continue the episodes of crying since she started work, but when she looked at the  patient lying next to her, all her exhaustion and starvation turned into thin air. She felt like she really need a run in the track fields or a two hour hiking or a warm shoulder to lean on. Otherwise, a three hour swimming or a five minute bungee jumping should suffice. She missed her vacations and she missed a lot of people. She missed them so much, she looks forward for them to send her a message asking if she was doing okay. She jumps to call notifications wishing hard it was them calling. She paused and all her minds recollect to the old woman looking at her carefully.

“You won’t understand my situation unless you were in my shoes dear.” That was a normal cliche she has heard for ages since she worked. All she did was nodded and a few gasps and awws and ohs. Yet, she tried her best to be sincere.

When patients start to open up their stories about marriage and kids, her mind would float to what kind of marriage would she be blessed with and she looks so much forward to be scolding her own kids or buying them pretty clothes or just by looking at them, she would feel so blissed and blessed. She smiles in the thoughts of their happiness and sincerely ask Allah to Grant them much more. And sometimes, she asks Allah to Grant her some of those even a bit in her life too. And if it wasn’t meant for her, she wants if badly for her afterlife inshAllah. She wants so much, but she couldn’t express it much because Allah awj Has Given her so much. She feels like telling them what is frozen in her heart but she feared that they would despair with the long kept meltdown. Thus, she chose to either silently read Quran, the same verse repeatedly to understand it, or to talk to herself finding her own solutions, sleep it in or… she just keep quiet and joked with others a lot. And the latter is what she does mostly. Safurah looked at the woman’s eyes. Something so heavy in this woman, yet she smiled so much. How eye cooling it is subhanAllah. How lucky are those to find blessings in midst of trials and to smile and be happy sincerely. How loving is that subhanAllah. And how short did this woman was there to teach her the lessons of life, for when she had CRE infection, she passed away quicker than what human beings thought. Yet, that is always the best time in Allah awj’s eyes. The feeling of cold sensation of her peripheries which Safurah felt every thirty minutes as it goes higher and higher to the heart… still felt freshly cold in her memories. Ya Allah. What have I prepared ya Rabb. What have I done… What have I done…

 

 

As she stood silently in front of the wrapped body. She sniffed and cried more. Much silently. Her heavy heard just could not stand it anymore. In midst of tears, she did search where did the strong girl has gone. And it was indeed a long search, she could only let it go for a full five minutes. She never cared if her new hobby was crying. She just had a lot to let go. Then she asked in her heart, “Dearest you. What have you done to follow her steps next while?” The responsibility could be hers for she didn’t learn much. And she wasn’t able to apply those knowledge in her practice. Thus dearest budding doctors, true it’s a responsibility, but just be prepared most for what to answer in front of Allah awj without any lies but just most truthful witnesses.

Until, when they reach it, their hearing and their eyes and their skins will testify against them of what they used to do.

And they will say to their skins, “Why have you testified against us?” They will say, “We were made to speak by Allah , who has made everything speak; and He created you the first time, and to Him you are returned.

And you were not covering yourselves, lest your hearing testify against you or your sight or your skins, but you assumed that Allah does not know much of what you do.

(Al Quran Surah Al Fusshilat :20-22)

 

My Dear,

I met a sister 14 years old suspected of appendicitis but when further inspection she had PID and she was sexually active with her boyfriend. I felt like I was punched and stabbed straight into my heart. She was joyful even though she was admitted in our ward. But I felt sicker than ever. Not at all due to what she did. But I felt so upset for what my contribution was to let this occur. And till today, I felt so sick. Ya Allah.

Dearest those who are concern and feels responsible for this,

This is a story of real girl in the real world. And I don’t know where to start. Is it that we have made it so hard for them to live truthfully or is it us who always live in denial ourselves. Whilst real people are dealing with losing their lives martyred in the best ways possible, our children are dying due to sexually transmitted diseases which they themselves search for themselves. Children are a huge blessing Allah awj Grant us with. A huge blessing subhanAllah. Millions of couples are looking forward to have their own children whilst others throw away their own children. Thus, if it is indeed a huge blessing then try your best for it to always be a blessing especially in the akhirah. Love them, care for them, and understand them even they are at the weirdest of ages to be understood. Ask them if they have problems, be a good role model to them, be a fantastic example for them for them to at least follow or aspire to be. Children be it boys or girls, they do need attention, thus give attention when they need them. True, it’s difficult to understand them a hundred per cent, but at least try. For an example, if they suddenly comes to you saying that they want to get married with someone who they think is able to take care of them, as absurd it may sound, just listen first. It’s not easy for someone to come up with that huge decision so, if the person is deemed suitable and fulfills what is needed in the deen, then, just try make it easy. Don’t make easy things complicated. It’s funny but scary too when I realized that dramas which I rate over emotional on televisions turn into realm of life nowadays. Despite how modern the world could be, some minds of families can still be traditional and this means, overly traditional and it turns out that it even goes against what the deen teaches us. SubhanAllah, upsetting, but this is due to lack of knowledge which we ourselves don’t want to learn. Speaking to myself first and foremost, and before becoming a parent myself, I’m seriously looking forward to parenting courses myself whilst indulging myself into parenting books. True, it comes with experience, but it’s best to learn a bit of knowledge before able to apply it. And yeap, if Allah Wills for me to be a parent myself, if not, it surely can be applied to dealing with my young patients inshAllah. Which reminds me, working in the hospitals, one of the most clear advise I receive from my patients’ family members are- “Please treat them as if they are your own parents.” “Please do your best as if she is your own mom.” I just keep quiet and replied, “Yes, I’ve been doing that and will always do that.” Truthfully, as human beings, we forget. True enough. But yes, treating patients like treating our real family members really put us on a different dimension. I learn to listen more to my patients, I act jokingly natural with them, and I laughed much more with them. I try my best to be a part of the team in treating them and try to delete the speculations that working as an intern is only working as a secretary. I ‘act’ like a specialist just by thinking like them, and talking to my patients like them aka professionally (of course not in making important decisions- that I leave to the seniors) And alhamdulillah, I learnt lots from them. My favourite patients are always the 12 year olds who memorize Quran. And the ones I mess around most are the 50-ish aunts who are kind of stubborn at times to listen to our advices. For 30-ish uncles who are still in the habit of smoking, I always prepare my 30mins introductory speech in telling them about life and smoking as one of the killer weapon and looking to their sub annoying faces plus semi concern really amuses me in midst of my stressful work hours. 🙂 It’s because, I just don’t find any (seriously ANY) reason why should one commit suicide by spending so much money. I seriously wonder why. That’s me, true enough, I’ve changed a lot. Thinking, acting, all trying to be strong yet I still cry a lot. Because, the world is so hurtful. So hurtful I just don’t find any eternal bliss in it at all- and that is exactly what dunya is right 😉 Doctors do get sick too, we do get stressed up and we do need sleep. We do get married, we do get pregnant and have 2 year olds at home plus we have old parents at home who miss us too. We like eating buffets, and munching on ice creams whilst we look forward to laze around on the wet grass and we love star gazing. We want to be globe trotters and we want to climb Everest. We are the same as you human beings, just we chose, with Allah awj’s Will to be a doctor- and that’s our jihad (struggle) inshAllah, if Allah Will. 

From a daughter, a sister, a neighbour, a wife to be, a mother and a grandmother to be too inshAllah, 

Spidergirl.

Eh.. It’s an amatullah 😀 

 Afwan jiddan to those reading and waiting for new posts from my humble write-outs, I seriously have lots to share, but subhanAllah, work has succeeded in devouring me nearly a hundred per cent. Have been ranting about the tiredness and stresses with my closed ones but yea subhanAllah, Allah awj Really Placed abundance of patience in them lol. Jazakum Allahukhayran katheera for listening my endless taateetuuutiiii and also showering me with lots of advices or just some huge precious gems for me to keep going. True enough, our bags of problems are so tiny compared to our families out there, so I should not complain much inshAllah. *Though I have a feeling, I’ll still complain hehs* Still, I do feel immensely grateful and happy when people just listen to me. It shows how diamond-y it is to have just someone to listen to us. May Allah awj Bless and Grant you much more for letting me a smile. 🙂

Make duaa for me so I’m able to finally finish up a book 😀

Allah Knows Best.